Happy new year. everyone!
So, semester two of my first year of college starts in three days. Obviously I am not as nervous as I was for my first semester. I now know what to expect and I know the people in my classes. Most importantly, I know my way around campus. I got lost so many times in September.
I’ve been asked a lot if I am looking forward to the new semester. The answer to that is yes and no. I love this program, I love writing so I am excited to jump into the new semester, start afresh and get back to writing. The negative side of this is that I just found out that my photography class got switched to a new teacher. I have most of the same teachers that I had last semester for my other classes so that’s not an issue. My photography teacher was my favourite teacher. He was amazing, to say the least. I am trying not to sound gushy here but I don’t know the best way to explain the situation. If it were not for him, I would not have passed the class. There’s not doubt in my mind that that is true. He took so much of his time to help me learn the concepts, help me with assignments and he took an hour of his time to go over the final with me to explain the questions that I got wrong. This may not seem like much, but it was in the last days of the semester and I know that he didn’t have the extra time to take to sit with me and go over the questions but he did anyway.
The thing is that for me, opening up and actually talking to teachers is really hard. I didn’t talk to my photography teacher much at the beginning of the semester. There are two reasons why it’s awkward for me. One reason is that when I do talk to a teacher who doesn’t know me, I feel like they’re inwardly wondering what is wrong with me and moreover, wondering if I am mentally challenged in some way. I know it must cross their minds. Or does it? Maybe when I think that people are judging me, I am really judging them if that makes any sense. The other reason is I hate the awkwardness. I hate it when I say something to them and there is that moment of awkward silence and I just know that they are trying to process what I have said but they couldn’t understand. I’m not blaming them for this, not at all. It’s not their fault whatsoever. It’s just.. embarrassing I guess when they can’t understand what I am saying. I know I have blogged about not letting Moebius get me down. I know I have blogged and said that we with Moebius Syndrome are capable of anything and don’t ever get discouraged. I still do believe that we are capable of doing anything that we want to do, don’t get me wrong. I wouldn’t be in the journalism program if I didn’t believe that. I do. Sometimes it does get to me though. I’m human, I admit it. Sometimes I just can’t look past the Moebius and I know that for some, when they look at me that is all they see. Especially teachers, if they don’t know me.
So what now? I’ve spoken to the Academic Chair and she tried to get me switched back into the other photography class but it won’t work with my schedule. It’s inevitable now that I’ll have a new photography teacher. I feel like this should not be a big deal. It should definitely not be as big of a deal as it is to me right now. I just am dreading having to get to know a new teacher in a class that I really struggled with in the first semester.
I did send an email to my teacher from last semester just thanking him for all the time that he took to help me last semester. He emailed me back wishing me luck and he said to not hesitate to drop by to see him if I needed anything. In a way, this makes me feel a tad better that I can at least still talk to him if I am having problems in photography. But then I can’t really.. He’s not my teacher anymore. There’s only so much that he can do now. Can I get some opinions here? Is it okay to go and talk to former teachers?
I feel weird going on about this but it’s getting me down, it really is. I just want to be honest, and that’s what I promised to do when I started this blog. It’s about transparency and honesty. It’s to give people a glimpse into a life that is affected by Moebius Syndrome and for people to learn what we go through on a daily basis. So yes, adjusting to new teachers and new people is hard. But there is nothing that I can do about it now and I plan to at least attempt to make the best of it. There is always a silver lining, and I really do believe that all things happen for a reason.
New year, new semester, new start. New me.