Shaken confidence.

Today generally went pretty well. I had a meeting at my college about doing an event for Moebius Syndrome Awareness Day in January, went to my three hour grammar class and then headed to the tattoo shop that I’ve gotten my two tattoos at to meet my friend. I had a consult with an artist there for a memorial piece that I am getting for my Grandpa. It is a poppy with the word Grandpa somewhere on it. The tattoo artist is designing it for me and I am getting it tattooed in 2 weeks from today. I am very excited, I know that it is going to be amazing. My best friend and I already had a tattoo booked for that day and the tattoo artist has time in his schedule after us so I am getting two tattoos in one day. I can’t believe I am doing it but I am very excited. My dad is not going to be happy, I know that much.

So that all went well. Then my friend and I headed to the radio station because I had an interview with a DJ there for a paper that I have to write for one of my classes. He is kind of a friend of ours, mostly of my friend.  It was awkward to say the least. I am not good with dealing with these kinds of situations. After I finally got my stuff organized, I asked him the first question. Then came that dreaded half second of awkward silence. He then goes “what was that? Sorry I’m a little hard on hearing!” It is no surprise, really. People say it all the time that they didn’t hear me. I know what they mean when they say this. I’m not blaming them because I know that they are trying to make things not awkward but I know what they mean. When they say that, it just screams “I didn’t understand you”. It isn’t their fault, obviously. I feel like when people know me and have been around me a lot, there isn’t as big of a problem. Just as I started typing this blog, my roommate got home. She and I were having a conversation and it was fine. I’m sure she had a problem when she first met me too but now we seem to be fine and have conversations normally all the time. Anywho, it’s just when people don’t know me well that the problems happen. Even my best friends have trouble sometimes but those times are few and far between. I did feel like crying though when I walked out of that interview. When is this going to change? It’s not. It’s not because I can’t change the way things are and I certainly cannot change the way that I speak. I’m in the Journalism program. Journalism is communication which is obviously talking to people all the time. How is this possibly the right choice for me? I just want to write. Most people don’t even understand me when they ask what I’m taking and I say journalism. I am so frustrated. I am frustrated and these words are just flowing out of me right now. I just want to write. Writing is what I am good at. I’m not good at interviews, I’m not good at talking to people.

I just want to write.

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