So much on my mind tonight.
Foremost, it is the very last night that I will ever spend in my grandparents house. I have been coming here for 22 years. Every summer was spent here and at the beach which is just across from their house. Easters were spent here doing Easter egg hunts. Picking carrots from the garden with my grandpa. So many memories here and it’s all about to come to an end. When I walk out of this house tomorrow, it will be for the last time. Knowing that I will never step foot in this house again is a hard thought to fathom. However hard it will be for me though, I know it will be 10000 times harder for my Granny. They built this house from the ground up and have lived here for 25 years. With my grandpa passing away this past summer, it was time to make the hard decision of moving. She just can’t handle this big hose anymore. I can’t imagine what it will be like for her walking out of the house for the very last time. It is sad that things end up this way. I will cherish the last night and day that I have in this house and will remember all the great times that were had here. The walls of this house hold so many memories and as I walk through the house one last time tomorrow, only memories here will be on my mind. As I walk out the door for the very last time, I will say goodbye to a house that was always a second home and I will be closing a chapter in my life. Summers will never be the same.
The next thing on my mind is a conversation that my mom and I had on the drive to BC. It wasn’t actually really a conversation, it was more her talking than anything as it usually is. Anywho, she said to me (paraphrasing because I can’t remember the exact words) “Granny and Grandpa always commented on how smart you are. You just need to see that yourself. You need to realize that you are not less than anyone else”. I’ve heard this thousands of times but this time it struck me, mostly the part about not being less than anyone else. I often think I am, I think. I often underestimate myself, and when I say often I think it is more like always. When it comes to school, I envision that people question my competence. When it comes to employment, I always believe that I will be overlooked. When it comes to social situations, I just don’t think that anyone will want to hang around with me. The most prominent thing for me right this instant is in terms of guys. I really, honestly don’t see myself ever finding a boyfriend. What guy would want me when they have choices of girls who are physically different, don’t sound different. I don’t really want to get into details here but just within the past few weeks, there has been someone who I have ben super interested in. He is absolutely gorgeous. The small fact that he has a girlfriend already may contribute to the challenge here but I just can’t talk to him even when I was around him because of self consciousness and thinking that he was thinking negative things about me. Not even negative things per say but wondering “what is wrong with this girl?” Do all guys think this way? I know that in our society, looks are everything when it comes to first impressions. No matter if we want to admit it or not, that is how it is. When you have a physical difference, people tend to be turned off by that. Or at least that is what it feels like. It isn’t only this guy that I can’t bring myself to try and have a normal conversation with, it is any guy. It is any of my professors, for different reasons obviously. It is because I know they wonder. Do they question my intelligence level? Do they question why I chose the field of journalism? Do they say to themselves “she is wasting her time. She’ll never make it in this field”? I mean, obviously that thought has crossed my mind many times. I don’t understand it. There are others with Moebius who always put themselves out there and never seem to have the same trepidations that I do. They seem to be able to do whatever they want and they never let Moebius hold them back from anything. They are in relationships, they have great careers. As much as I tell myself that I can’t let this hold me back, I can’t help it. It is extremely difficult right now. I think that I put too much importance into having a boyfriend but I really want that. I really want someone to hang out with, someone to always be there for me, someone to care for. I have to wonder if I will ever find that. I thought maybe college would be the time but I am not so sure of that anymore. And I just can’t get this one guy off of my mind. Obviously nothing will come of it, I know he has a girlfriend. And I feel like a creeper when I talk about him this way but my point is that everything is knocking me down right now. I have to put on a positive facade but these things go around in my head all day every day. I am definitely not looking for a pity party right now. I am not trying to sound like I am making my life out to be so tough. It is tough, but I make it that way for myself, I know. I’m stuck in a rut right now and I don’t know how to move on. I do want to move on from here. I want to make new friends and have new experiences but I am letting Moebius hold me back and I can’t do it anymore but how do I stop telling myself that I am not equal to others?
These are the questions that I need answers to but I know that only I can answer them for myself and only I can change my frame of mind. Life will get better. It has to right? I feel like eventually everything will just fall into place. I can only hope.