End of semester stresses.

15 days to go until the end of the 2013 fall semester. My first semester of college..

The first semester have been up and down for sure but it has mostly been good. Met a whole bunch of awesome new people and my life has definitely changed. I am excited for the Christmas break though and it will be much needed.

The end of the semester brings about a lot of stress. I have three assignments (big assignments) due today. I have a paper due Monday and about 3 papers due the last week of class. Not to mention my media software work which this blog is part of. Also, my marketing class assignments. There is a lot to do, a lot to finish up.

I thrive on stress, even though it is obviously hard on me. Stress and pressure push me and that is how I work best. If I know that I have an assignment due the next day or even the same day, I will be more apt to work on it than I would be if I had a month to do it.

Am I feeling confident about my classes this semester? For the most part, I would say yes. There have been a few bumps along this road but I think everything will end up okay. I have a meeting with the academic chair of the journalism program this morning. Not going to lie, I am super scared. She initiated the meeting because my photography teacher talked to her about my aversion to working in groups on projects or one on one with someone else photographing them. It’s weird for me. Although yesterday I worked with a super nice girl on an assignment for class and it was fine. I don’t know what it is about working with people that makes me not want to do it. Well, that’s not completely true I guess but I know the people in my classes now. It has been almost 4 months.

4 months.. Wow. That is crazy! It feels like I was just moving into res, just going to my first classes and getting completely lost. I cannot believe that 4 months have gone by.. It is crazy to think about.

I am glad that I took the plunge, applied for journalism and got accepted into the program. Is it exactly what I imagined? No, but it is still good. I like the people in my classes. My teachers are really great. Yes, there have been ups and downs in the last four months but it has been mostly good.

Bring on the holidays!

 

Shaken confidence.

Today generally went pretty well. I had a meeting at my college about doing an event for Moebius Syndrome Awareness Day in January, went to my three hour grammar class and then headed to the tattoo shop that I’ve gotten my two tattoos at to meet my friend. I had a consult with an artist there for a memorial piece that I am getting for my Grandpa. It is a poppy with the word Grandpa somewhere on it. The tattoo artist is designing it for me and I am getting it tattooed in 2 weeks from today. I am very excited, I know that it is going to be amazing. My best friend and I already had a tattoo booked for that day and the tattoo artist has time in his schedule after us so I am getting two tattoos in one day. I can’t believe I am doing it but I am very excited. My dad is not going to be happy, I know that much.

So that all went well. Then my friend and I headed to the radio station because I had an interview with a DJ there for a paper that I have to write for one of my classes. He is kind of a friend of ours, mostly of my friend.  It was awkward to say the least. I am not good with dealing with these kinds of situations. After I finally got my stuff organized, I asked him the first question. Then came that dreaded half second of awkward silence. He then goes “what was that? Sorry I’m a little hard on hearing!” It is no surprise, really. People say it all the time that they didn’t hear me. I know what they mean when they say this. I’m not blaming them because I know that they are trying to make things not awkward but I know what they mean. When they say that, it just screams “I didn’t understand you”. It isn’t their fault, obviously. I feel like when people know me and have been around me a lot, there isn’t as big of a problem. Just as I started typing this blog, my roommate got home. She and I were having a conversation and it was fine. I’m sure she had a problem when she first met me too but now we seem to be fine and have conversations normally all the time. Anywho, it’s just when people don’t know me well that the problems happen. Even my best friends have trouble sometimes but those times are few and far between. I did feel like crying though when I walked out of that interview. When is this going to change? It’s not. It’s not because I can’t change the way things are and I certainly cannot change the way that I speak. I’m in the Journalism program. Journalism is communication which is obviously talking to people all the time. How is this possibly the right choice for me? I just want to write. Most people don’t even understand me when they ask what I’m taking and I say journalism. I am so frustrated. I am frustrated and these words are just flowing out of me right now. I just want to write. Writing is what I am good at. I’m not good at interviews, I’m not good at talking to people.

I just want to write.

Interviews are just not my thing.

Obviously the world of journalism is about communication. It is about getting information from sources to put together a good story. You have to talk to people to find out details. You have to interview people to get quotes which are essential for any kind of news story. Yes, I understand that. I think that this is one thing that I largely overlooked when getting myself into this journalism program.

My problem is, I think, that I put too much emphasis on my speech issue. In my own mind, I can’t talk to anyone because no one will understand me. Whenever I talk to someone, no matter who it is, I always am thinking somewhere in my mind “they have no idea what I am saying”. This is why I avoid talking to strangers. I avoid social situations. This is sad but so true. No one knows, not my friends nor my family, how difficult it is. I don’t talk about it to anyone, ever. I find it awkward and embarrassing I guess. I don’t want to bring attention to the fact that I have a speech issue and I sure am not looking for a pity party. Life is not going so dashing at this point. I know that sounds super dramatic but it is true. Although I would never say that I hate my life, ever, I just know that some things have to change. The way that I see myself must change and I know that no one can do that but me.

Anywho, this week I am interviewing a friend(ish) that is a DJ at a local radio station. He’s super cool. I’ve only met him once but my friend is pretty good friends with him. I’m stressing out about it already. I am typing out the questions that I plan on asking and with every one that I write my mind set is “what if he doesn’t understand what I am saying?” What if it is super awkward? I don’t know why I put so much stock in how I speak. I really don’t get it. I have many friends in the Moebius community and none of them seem to have this issue, or at least I have never heard about it. Some of them work for the government, one is a professor and one worked for a call centre! These people are huge inspirations and they are examples of every day heroes in my eyes. They don’t let their differences hold them back. I am so, so lucky t know such amazing people. I think there have just been so many instances over my 22 years of not being understood thus leading to awkward situations that I just have started to let the fear rule me and my life.

I don’t know how to stop it and that, obviously is the problem. I looked in the mirror the other day and said to myself “you are not less of a person than anyone else. You are who you are and that’s good enough” but I don’t think it sank it. Actually I know that it didn’t as I am sitting here writing this.

So what do I do? I know that the only way to grow as a person is to get out of your comfort zone and I am trying to do that more often, but it is tough. All I can do right now is prepare for this interview and hope for the best.

Some day I will not be ruled by the things that make me unique.

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Nothing gold can stay.

So much on my mind tonight.

Foremost, it is the very last night that I will ever spend in my grandparents house. I have been coming here for 22 years. Every summer was spent here and at the beach which is just across from their house. Easters were spent here doing Easter egg hunts. Picking carrots from the garden with my grandpa. So many memories here and it’s all about to come to an end. When I walk out of this house tomorrow, it will be for the last time. Knowing that I will never step foot in this house again is a hard thought to fathom. However hard it will be for me though, I know it will be 10000 times harder for my Granny. They built this house from the ground up and have lived here for 25 years. With my grandpa passing away this past summer, it was time to make the hard decision of moving. She just can’t handle this big hose anymore. I can’t imagine what it will be like for her walking out of the house for the very last time. It is sad that things end up this way. I will cherish the last night and day that I have in this house and will remember all the great times that were had here. The walls of this house hold so many memories and as I walk through the house one last time tomorrow, only memories here will be on my mind. As I walk out the door for the very last time, I will say goodbye to a house that was always a second home and I will be closing a chapter in my life. Summers will never be the same.

The next thing on my mind is a conversation that my mom and I had on the drive to BC. It wasn’t actually really a conversation, it was more her talking than anything as it usually is. Anywho, she said to me (paraphrasing because I can’t remember the exact words) “Granny and Grandpa always commented on how smart you are. You just need to see that yourself. You need to realize that you are not less than anyone else”. I’ve heard this thousands of times but this time it struck me, mostly the part about not being less than anyone else. I often think I am, I think. I often underestimate myself, and when I say often I think it is more like always. When it comes to school, I envision that people question my competence. When it comes to employment, I always believe that I will be overlooked. When it comes to social situations, I just don’t think that anyone will want to hang around with me. The most prominent thing for me right this instant is in terms of guys. I really, honestly don’t see myself ever finding a boyfriend. What guy would want me when they have choices of girls who are physically different, don’t sound different. I don’t really want to get into details here but just within the past few weeks, there has been someone who I have ben super interested in. He is absolutely gorgeous. The small fact that he has a girlfriend already may contribute to the challenge here but I just can’t talk to him even when I was around him because of self consciousness and thinking that he was thinking negative things about me. Not even negative things per say but wondering “what is wrong with this girl?” Do all guys think this way? I know that in our society, looks are everything when it comes to first impressions. No matter if we want to admit it or not, that is how it is. When you have a physical difference, people tend to be turned off by that. Or at least that is what it feels like. It isn’t only this guy that I can’t bring myself to try and have a normal conversation with, it is any guy. It is any of my professors, for different reasons obviously. It is because I know they wonder. Do they question my intelligence level? Do they question why I chose the field of journalism? Do they say to themselves “she is wasting her time. She’ll never make it in this field”? I mean, obviously that thought has crossed my mind many times. I don’t understand it. There are others with Moebius who always put themselves out there and never seem to have the same trepidations that I do. They seem to be able to do whatever they want and they never let Moebius hold them back from anything. They are in relationships, they have great careers. As much as I tell myself that I can’t let this hold me back, I can’t help it. It is extremely difficult right now. I think that I put too much importance into having a boyfriend but I really want that. I really want someone to hang out with, someone to always be there for me, someone to care for. I have to wonder if I will ever find that. I thought maybe college would be the time but I am not so sure of that anymore. And I just can’t get this one guy off of my mind. Obviously nothing will come of it, I know he has a girlfriend. And I feel like a creeper when I talk about him this way but my point is that everything is knocking me down right now. I have to put on a positive facade but these things go around in my head all day every day. I am definitely not looking for a pity party right now. I am not trying to sound like I am making my life out to be so tough. It is tough, but I make it that way for myself, I know. I’m stuck in a rut right now and I don’t know how to move on. I do want to move on from here. I want to make new friends and have new experiences but I am letting Moebius hold me back and I can’t do it anymore but how do I stop telling myself that I am not equal to others?

These are the questions that I need answers to but I know that only I can answer them for myself and only I can change my frame of mind. Life will get better. It has to right? I feel like eventually everything will just fall into place. I can only hope.

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New tattoo!

As promised in my last blog post, here is a picture of my new tattoo! This picture is from when it was just new.. Right now it is in the peeling/scabbing/dry phase and it doesn’t look so hot.

My tattoo artist told me to not put any kind of creams or lotion on it or on my other tattoo so I am heeding his words. I have argued with many friends who say that I should be putting something on it to moisturize it but I am listening to my artist. I really do not want to piss him off by ruining that tattoo.

Anywhos here it is!

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It is on the inside of my left forearm.

Maple leaf to represent my roots, my country and my home. So very proud to be Canadian and I am extremely happy with this tattoo. Now I am tattooed x 2 and in less than a month it will be x3.

 

These things are addicting.

Guess what day it is, guys. It’s tattoo Friday. Tattoo Tuesday sounds better but it’s not Tuesday, so we’ll make it work.

Yeah, I am going in for my second tattoo today! I am excited, mostly because my tattoo artist is totally gorgeous. I hope he never sees this.. Whatever, it’s a compliment I’d say.

What am I getting this time, you ask? I am getting a maple leaf on my left forearm. I am so excited!! I have wanted this tattoo for a long time. I knew that I wanted the Hamlet quote first but I am glad that I chose this as my second tattoo. I was going to get a quote (from a Nickelback song, don’t judge) on my chest just under my collar bone. The quote is “Let nothing stand in your way because the hands of time are never on your side”. I was fully prepared to get this until my mom like, begged me not to. She’s like “please at least think about it til the new year”. She doesn’t like the idea. I love the quote.. It means something to me. It means don’t let things hold you back because time is not on your side. You never know how much time you have left and you don’t want to waste what you do have being held back. I think I will actually end up getting the quote done but not today.

The maple leaf is probably kind of a cliche, especially living in Canada but I am so proud to be Canadian and everything that Canada stands for. The maple leaf represents where I come from and I am very excited to get it and proudly show it off. It’s not going to be super big, probably only a few inches. I will see what my tattoo artist thinks in terms of size and placement but I have a vision in my head of what I want it to look like and where.

I also have a consultation before my actual tattoo with a different artist.  I am planning on getting a tattoo in honour of my Grandpa. I am getting a poppy (he was a veteran of WWII) and his name. In 2000, he sent me the very first Harry Potter book before it was a big phenomenon. He signed the book and that is where I am taking his name from so it looks handwritten in the tattoo. I am very excited to see what designs the tattoo artist guy comes up with. The one that I normally see (the gorgeous one) said that since it was realism that I wanted in the poppy, it was a bit out of his comfort zone as he mainly does cartoony stuff so he referred me to another guy who works in the same shop. I have a feeling that he is going to be awesome, I looked at his tattoo profiles and he does amazing work. Can’t believe that it has been almost 4 months since my grandpa passed away. I don’t think there is a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. I miss him, and I will miss him forever. My grandparents are a huge part of my life. I am wearing my poppy in honour of him today, and all other veterans.

I hope that everyone has their poppy on in remembrance of the men and women who fought for your freedom!

Remembrance Day is Monday. Please take a moment at 11 AM to pause and reflect on the men and women who fought so you could be free to do whatever you’re doing. I really don’t want to sound preachy here but I take Remembrance Day very seriously!

I will try and post a picture of my tattoo after I get it done later today. I know I already said this like 4 times but I am sooo excited!!