We shape our own future.

I was just thinking tonight that I wish I knew what the future had in store for me. Wouldn’t it make life much easier? There are so many things that I want to accomplish, wouldn’t it be nice to know if I was able to do with my life what I have in mind? Then I got to thinking, maybe it wouldn’t make life easier. Would it make it boring? Or depressing if I didn’t like what I saw? It comes down to this: we shape our own future. What we want the future to be, we have to make it so. There are a few things that are on my mind tonight, regarding what my future holds.

I can’t believe how fast this summer is flying by. Granted, I haven’t done a whole heck of a lot but my first day of college is fast approaching. I know that I have a ton of things to do to get ready, such as school shopping and packing things to take to my dorm room. I admit that I’m putting it off because I don’t really want it to happen. Maybe it’s not that I don’t want it to happen, I just don’t want to think of what it will be like. What will it be like meeting my roommate for the first time? What will it be like living on campus? Will I get involved with the campus community and participate in residence events? That I don’t know. I won’t know until it happens, I guess. And maybe I should be excited about it but I just am not. And maybe I’ll look back on my life in 30 years and say “man, college was the best time of my life. I don’t know why I was so apprehensive about it in the summer of 2013!”. This is what makes life interesting, I guess.. Not knowing what the future holds for us. When you think about it, we could really make our futures anything we desired. I want my future to be about travelling, learning, writing, working in big cities such as New York, meeting my idols and finding someone to love. This all sounds far fetched to me right now but I am confident that if I work hard enough, have enough drive and passion and really set my heart on things I can accomplish everything that I want in life. This life really is a blank canvas and we can paint any picture that we want to. When I think of college in this way, it makes me feel a little better. It makes me feel that I can make college everything that I want it to be. I can have friends, I can be a role model, I can be a student that teachers like, I can make great grades.

How does having Moebius Syndrome come into play in this situation? Well, I know that everyone who is starting their first year of university/college is nervous. That’s natural, and the fear of the unknown. For us with Moebius, this is only heightened. What will people think of the way we talk or the way we look? What if we have night terrors and wake up our roommates? Will professors write us off as people who can’t possibly make it very far in life because of our circumstance? The answers to these questions are unknown to me right now and they will continue to be until my first day. All I have is my passion for writing and the knowledge of the fact that I will try as hard as I can to fit in. I keep thinking to myself that I will join clubs and participate in residence activities and be really involved in the whole college experience but in reality I don’t know if  I can pull myself out of my shell enough to make this happen. But when things get tough, I will refer back to my saying that we create the future that we want. If I hide out in my dorm room for the whole year, well, I’ll be missing out on so much. I’ve got to get up the courage to put myself out there. I know that I preach all the time that we with Moebius can do absolutely anything that we want to, be what we want to be and be successful in all of our endeavours but sometimes this is easier said than done. But it can be done. Life is what really what we make it and I will keep reminding myself of that. This is a new chapter of my life and it’s a fresh start.

The other thing on my mind is writing a book. This book would be about my life, my struggles and trepidations. It’s main aim would be to really reach out to others with physical differences who have struggled like I have and let them know that anything is possible. Life is just too short to sit in your room, hiding from the world. I know this from personal experience. It’s easier to hide away sometimes but it doesn’t make life that enjoyable. I’ve had a few people tell me that I should write a book so I am seriously considering it and in the vert early stages of planning.

So, I am going to link to one of my previous blogs about what exactly Moebius Syndrome is in case you’re new to my blog and have no idea what it is. If this is the case, don’t worry. It’s very common to not know. Even most doctors have never heard of it. It’s a really rare neurological condition.

https://itsabeautifulworld90.wordpress.com/what-is-moebius-syndrome/

I am ready for what life has in store for me and my goal from here on out is to make my life everything that I know it can be. There are so many things that I want to do. Not to be pretentious but I really do want to be a role model to show younger generations with Moebius (and any physical difference) that we really can do anything and to not let anything hold you back. Life is too short for that.

tumblr_mdczc5lr0j1rfamyso1_1280

PS. Grandpa, it’s been a little over two weeks since you passed away. Wow, I cannot believe it has been that long..  I just want you to know that I think of you every day and I miss you every second. I know you’re watching over us now and you’ll be in my heart forever.

Advertisements

“May angels lead you in”.

Hello everyone. I know it has been so long since my last blog post but there has been so, so much going on. I will try to make this as short as I can, as I don’t want to bore anyone. 

On June 20th, a massive flood hit most of southern Alberta. It was the biggest disaster that any of us here have ever seen. The water literally came up out of nowhere. I was at work that morning and when our power went out we didn’t think too much of it. We had been having rain for days so the rivers were really swelling. We thought that places in the flood plane would flood, as they do almost every year. Then one of my co-workers got a call from her husband saying to get out of there because the water was coming our way. We dashed out of the store and I ran to my car as I wanted to get home. It started to pour and the main road was closed due to flooding. I tried to go a back way through a residential area. I was going along fine when I came to a huge flood of water over the road. Trucks were getting through so I thought that I could to. Long story short, my car got stuck, water was coming in the doors and some guys in a truck rescued me. I had to leave my car behind and eventually got back to the store because there was no where else to go. We had to be evacuated out by combine and eventually I did get home. Things were in chaos for the next two weeks and the town was essentially under lockdown. We were finally able to get back in to find my car which was completely totalled. It’s at some junkyard now being stripped for parts. I was saddened by the loss but hundreds of people lost their homes and everything in them. It was a completely devastating event and three weeks later, everyone is still trying to pick up the pieces. 

Around the time of the flood, my grandpa was moved to a hospice. He has chronic leukemia and was in unbearable, unspeakable pain. When they got him to the hospice, they started him on very strong painkillers. I headed to B.C to my grandparents house on June 30th to spend time with my granny to to visit my Grandpa. When I got to the hospic the first time, it took me a good 10 minutes to be able to go into the room because frankly, I was afraid of what I was going to see. When I did go in, my grandpa was alert and my mom told him that I was there. I walked to the side of his bed and he raised his arms for a hug. As my mom told me a couple days ago, I was the only person he did that for. Even with how very ill he was, he wanted a hug from me. I visited him every day that I was there. He was very frail and ill looking and he was confused a lot of the time and saying things that didn’t make sense. He did make sense some of the time though and all in all I am glad that I was there to see him. He passed away on Monday of this week. In a way, we were all expecting it sooner or later but I wasn’t expecting it that soon. It honestly hasn’t really sunk in yet I don’t think. Even as I sit here writing this, I still cannot believe that he is really gone. The fact that he is no longer with us on this earth is hard to comprehend and I know it will eventually hit me like a brick wall. He was a part of my life for all of my 22 years and all the memories that I have are overwhelming. And to think that I have seen him for the last time is.. hard to imagine. I will miss him every day for the rest of my days but I can only hope that one day when my time on this earth is done, I will see him again. For now the memories will have to get me through. I know that you’re an angel now, Grandpa and when I look to the sky I know that you are up there watching and looking down on all of us. You’ll be in my heart always. 

I have been off work for almost a month now with the floods and then my grandpa’s passing so I go back tomorrow. It will be good to have some sense of normal and a routine again. And then August 24th, it all starts. Move in day for college. I can’t believe how fast it is approaching and my anxiety is slowly growing with each passing day. It’s going to be a totally new realm and I don’t know what to expect at all. Trying to not stress about it and will take each day as it comes. 

So, there’s an update for all of you on the last month or so of my life. It’s been hectic, it’s been a lot of loss. 

And just a reminder for everyone. Tell people in your life every day that you love them and how you feel because one day it will be too late. It will be too late to say these words and you’ll regret not letting them now how much they meant to you. My grandpa was a WWII veteran. I wish I had told him how proud I was. I wish I had told him how much he meant to me and how much I treasured him. But I didn’t. I didn’t and now it’s too late. I hope he knew, though. And when I pray, I know that he can hear me. I am not at all a religious person but I know that he is up there and I know he hears me. 

Image