I haven’t blogged for a while, I know. My last entry was a pathetic excuse for a blog. There’s not a lot of new things going on but I have had some thoughts. I find that one of the best ways to sort out my thoughts is by blogging. And I often get some pretty good advice from my dear blog readers!
So there’s been some changes in my life over the past few months. I know I’ve blogged about them before, but now they’re getting closer. I’m back at work now after being off for my gallbladder issue for a few months. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. The job is not what I aspire to do for the rest of my life but it’s okay for now. I’m not working full time which also helps. I just keep telling myself that it’s money in the bank. That’s my mantra while at work. It somewhat helps me get through the day. I guess it helps when you like the people that you work with which I do. They’re really nice people.
Another change that is getting closer is college. That will be a huge change. Maybe the biggest change that I have ever experienced. I haven’t really thought about it because it’s a few months away but time is flying by as it usually does. I want to be excited but I think I am more apprehensive than anything. It will be a really different thing for me. Living with someone new, going to classes with new people, waking up in a bed that’s not my own in a place that isn’t my own. Being surrounded by strangers. It’s going to be an intense change but I’m hoping that it will be a good change. I’m hoping that I will make a lot of new friends and have a lot of fun but also have success in my classes and get good grades like the geek that I am. I have to do well in school because if I don’t I know I will feel like a complete failure. My sisters both graduated their programs with top grades. The future is so unclear to me. Will I be able to get a job in the journalism field? Will having Moebius hold me back either consciously or subconsciously? Or will I not get any chances at all because of it? I wish I knew these answers. But alas, I don’t. So I know that I need to take life one day at a time and not worry too much about the future because worrying will not change anything. Things will work out as they’re supposed to, this I am sure of.
One more thing that I need to change in very short order is something that I know I have blogged about before but I am putting it out there again in an effort to help people further understand what we with Moebius deal with daily. I need to become more outgoing. How do I possibly do that, though? I’ve never been outgoing, ever. Having Moebius obviously I look a bit different but that’s not what holds me back. It’s the speech thing. My speech isn’t totally clear because half of my tongue is paralysed. This is definitely what stops me from being outgoing. I don’t really socialize with people that I don’t know unless they initiate the conversation. I can’t just walk up to people and start chatting to them. I think more than anything it is the fear of not being understand and that moment of awkward silence when you know that someone has not understood what you said that I have experienced one too many times in my life. It’s awful. It just makes you want to run and run until you are on opposite sides of the earth from that person. Other people with Moebius that I keep in contact with, it doesn’t seem to bother as much as I. Some of my Moebius friends are in very social jobs such as teaching and working for their city. They talk for a living. I couldn’t even imagine doing that. I try to avoid having to talk to people at work. I try to avoid answering the phone. It’s something that needs to change. A friend mentioned cognitive behavioural therapy. I’m very interested in trying it. Anything that has the potential to help, I am all for. Does anyone have any experiences with doing this? Please let me know! I would love to know what it’s like and if it has helped you. Right now, anything that might help me, I am willing to try. Indulge me for a second here. There is construction going on at our house right now as I have mentioned in earlier blogs. One of the guys who has worked here a lot I have gotten to know and I chat with him when he’s here working. He’s gorgeous but I know he’s married so obviously he’s off limits. The guy that works with him though, I don’t know if he has a girlfriend or not. He’s definitely not married. He’s oddly attractive and I seriously just want to be able to chat to him and become friends-ish or whatever. Can’t do it. I actually have not spoken to him really at all. I’ll walk by him and it’s super awkward. It’s awkward for me at least. I know people will say just strike up a conversation, ask how his day’s going or whatever. They don’t get it. I like, physically can’t do it. I can’t. I don’t know how to explain it other than that but I can not work up the courage to do it. And not even just for him but for anyone. It’s so awkward because I want to say something but I just can’t seem to be able to do it. This will get me nowhere in life, I know that much. But how do I change my ways? Maybe cognitive behavioural therapy would help? At this point I am really willing to try anything so if you’ve got any ideas please comment and let me know. Please, please do!
Well I think that’s it for tonight. I have to go to bed because I work really early in the morning. Oh joy.