It seems like I blog 78% of the time at night. It’s currently 12:55 AM. Maybe my best thoughts come to me at night or maybe I’m just so tired that I THINK what I am saying sounds good and comprehensible. Either way, I felt like blogging.
So today (technically yesterday) was St. Patricks Day. Overall a very eventless day. Then I went drinking (okay, 1 drink) with one of my best friends. It’s always a good time when we get together. I swear, I laugh more with her than with almost anyone else. I love my friends. And I’m not drunk, I promise. I did chug the last half of my drink though. I think that I sound semi- intelligent and not drunk-ish in this post. I was feeling super good when I got home, I even cleaned my room a bit. Now though, I’m feeling.. well, I don’t really know what I’m feeling. Kind of depressed. Maybe it’s the alcohol, seeing as it is a depressant. Well, I think depressed is too strong of a word. Just a little glum (thanks thesaurus) and blah. I can’t really put my finger on what it is or why I feel this way. I just got super unmotivated to finish this blog.
Let’s explore why I may be feeling this way. Well in the morning I have to call the head office of my work to ask why I didn’t receive a T4 for my taxes. I’ve blogged about this many times. Calling people on the phone is extremely hard for me. Having Moebius, my speech is sometimes hard to understand and when I call people I dread that awkward silence which, I’ve come to learn, means that they’re trying to process what you have said. I don’t know if other people with Moebius have this issue but it’s a huge one for me. I will literally stare at the phone for half an hour, stalling. Is this weird? Seriously, is it? How do I overcome it? I can’t have people make my phone calls forever. I know that I just need to do it but I can’t. And this is going to sound really stupid but I’ve been dreading having to do it all weekend. Literally all weekend. I’m just going to have to make the call though and hopefully it goes smoothly.
Another reason may be the whole relationship thing again. People keep telling me that I will find someone who loves me for me, who won’t care about the outer differences (the Moebius), etc. I don’t know why but I just don’t see it happening, ever. We were talking about my friends’ boyfriend when we went for drinks and I must admit, I want that. I want someone to share my life with, someone who is there, someone to cuddle with. I actually cannot believe that I used the word cuddle. Oh my. Anyway, whatever. I do want that. I just fear that it won’t happen for me.
Then I just got to thinking.. If I could change one thing about myself and take away the Moebius and everything that goes along with it, would I? That’s a very difficult question. it would definitely make life easier. Definitely, there’s no question that it would. But then I think, this is who I am, who I was meant to be. It has shaped me into the person that I am and weirdly enough I think I would be lost without it. If I was “normal” I think I would be lost in a way. And I like the person that I am because of having Moebius. I really do. I don’t mean to sound pompous or arrogant or boastful but I really feel like it has made me a better person. I’ve been through things that no one else has (other than my Moebius friends probably), it’s definitely given me a thicker skin and it has definitely, no doubt in my mind made me a more tolerant person. I don’t judge people, I don’t complain about the little insignificant things in life because I know that there are bigger things. In particular, I’ve seen this commercial about a woman who won’t go out because she has a cold sore. Really? Really?? How freaking pathetic can you be. And how vain. Get over it. There’s people with scars, burns, disfigurements and you’re concered with a cold sore. Sorry for this rant. It makes me angry because I wish that all I had to worry about was a cold sore. Sorry lady but I think people notice facial paralysis more than they do a cold sore. Do people gawk and double take at you because you have that cold sore? I think not. Do people notice it? Probably not. Don’t flatter yourself. Okay. I’m done with that rant. I’m angry now. Moving on.
People may not understand where I am coming from with that previous rant. If you haven’t ever had a disability, something that makes you so different from others, you can’t possibly understand what it is like. Everything that I do is more difficult than it is for others. Something as simple as talking to people. People really take for granted being able to speak to people and being understood the first time that they say something. And not only that but not being judged. People assume that I have a mental incapacity because of the way that I look on the outside. I know what it is like to be judged so I never stare at people or comment on someone who is a little different. Who we are is shaped by who we’ve been. Having Moebius has shaped me in multiple ways and I do feel that I have experienced things that others don’t. Does that make me better than others? Absolutely not, that’s not what I’m getting at. I’m just saying that I know what it is to struggle. I know a lot of people do but I’ve struggled in different ways than most. So back to the original question.. Would I take away the Moebius if I could? It’s a very, very hard question. It really is. I struggle with the answer. I know that it sounds crazy but I feel like I am Moebius.. it’s who I am. It doesn’t define me but it makes me who I am. So I’m going to say no, I wouldn’t. It makes life that much harder but “without struggle, there is no progress”. True enough.
Also I’m thinking about doing a short video on Moebius for Youtube and such. I don’t want to be just talking and being boring. What’s something creative that I can do to raise awareness of what Moebius is? Or should I just speak about it? Ooooh maybe a slideshow presentation kind of thing? Whatever ideas you may have PLEASE send them my way!! I would love to hear them. Thanks!
Alrighty, that’s all my ranting for tonight. As always please comment and let me know what you think of this or any of my posts, or if you have any questions!