Baring my soul.

Here I am, listening to a Nickelback ballad and tweeting with one of my best friends about this topic. Feeling in a sentimental mood so of course I decide to blog about it. Always, 

I tweeted at my friend “I’ve learned that men often don’t take a second look at me”. And that got me to thinking, as things often do. That statement is true. In my mind, it is. I think the only thing a guy would take a second look at me for is to say “wow, what is wrong with that girl?” The world we live in is so superficial, and I won’t deny that. How I wish it wasn’t true, but it is. There have been many guys that I have had crushes on but I’ve never dated, never even kissed a guy. Wow, this is making me seem so desperate and lame. I’m just saying what is true. I can’t deny that guys (and people in general) see me and inwardly wonder what is wrong with me because of my physical differences. I know this is true because I can be wandering through the mall and pass people and they do a complete double take. I was at Tim Hortons the other day and there were 4 girls there, and I heard them laughing. I went up to the counter to wait for my order and the girl with her back to me turned around, looked at me, turned back around and laughed with her friends. Okay, you can call me paranoid and delusional but I have experienced this so many times, I know they’re talking about about me. Do I care? Not anymore. I used to take it to heart and not want to go out but now I actually couldn’t care less. Maybe I just tell myself that I don’t care and inwardly I do.. I don’t know. I am actually used to being looked at, stared at, laughed it, etc. The thing is, I think I have let it stop bothering me because I have people in my life who are amazing people. I have my family and my best friends. Of course it is still hard sometimes and on a bad day when someone feels the need to stare at me, it hurts. Most of the time though I don’t even care anymore. This is where raising awareness comes in though. If more people knew about Moebius and the facial paralysis it causes, etc, they wouldn’t be too quick to judge. I know that there are some complete assholes out there who make fun of even the most perfect people, but generally I think people might be more tolerant. 

When it comes to men though I often wonder.. Will I ever find a man? I know that’s not the most important thing in life, or at least it shouldn’t be. Really though, who doesn’t want someone to be with, someone to be your other half, someone to snuggle and watch movies with? I want that, I definitely do. I just don’t know if I’ll ever find it. I have actually come to the conclusion that I won’t and am kind of just coping with that fact. So, dear blog readers (if you have made it this far) what is your take on this? Would you consider dating someone who looks different on the outside? Someone who can barely smile? Someone who has been through more in life than a lot of people could imagine? What if their speech was different and hard to understand at times? 

I’m hoping that someday, somewhere there is someone out there who will want to know me for me. i know that my friends tell me that there is but where? And is there really? Or are all men super superficial? 

I just don’t know. 

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3 thoughts on “Baring my soul.

  1. I’m not just saying this because you’re my friend. If I was a guy and I got to know you, I would love you with every little bit of my soul because you are an intelligent, caring, funny, ect, person. I love you like a sister because of all of this, and one day, you’ll find a guy who loves you for those same reasons. He’ll know that you ARE beautiful. He’ll look past the Moebius, because thats what people need to do, look past what they see and see a soul. We always look at the surface, but the most beautiful person in the world could be the most horrible person.

    • so first I started following you and Kitty Chaos cause the two of you crack me up as I listen to the takeover also…..I decided to read your blog and I must say you are amazing…I think your story is heartwarming and I had to reply to tell you if someone doesnt accept you for who you are then they do not deserve you!!! You will find someone and until then keep your story out there and it’s too bad everyone couldn’t be as kind and accepting as you!!! I hate they way society has become and it’s sad really how people take life and peoples feelings for granted!!!

  2. I realize that I am a girl, but I would definitely consider dating someone who looks different on the outside. Especially if he is as intelligent as you and has so much to offer. You deserve to have someone to spend your life with. Maybe you will meet someone through your blog.

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